Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Transparent

Hello Lovelies!

Today I come to you with something completely different, this won’t be my typical fashion/makeup related piece, this will dig deep into my persona and give you the most honest, and in depth view of who I am. For the past couple months I have not been inspired, and that has caused me to not create, and explains my lack of social media presence. I feel I need to be honest not only with myself, but the people who care, so I am just going to write until I can’t anymore, and from here on out I am going to try to get my stuff back on track, and create content, and be happy, no matter what life throws at me, but before I do that I need to confess what I am feeling, and figure out what I want out of this life.

I have been battling with myself, because I want to create and share my art with everyone, but I feel like when I do I work so hard to get little recognition. I don’t need to be popular, or make it in anyway; all I want is to know that people care, that I am not wasting my time. Every piece and creation that I come up with takes so much of my time, and I don’t have a lot of that as a working mother of two. I don’t live the typical fashionista lifestyle, I am a hard working shell of a person I once was. I battle an anxiety disorder, and depression that comes and goes, and when I am in a slump it takes every bit of ambition and positivity out of my life.  I am not happy with my real job, and I hate living in my apartment, and those things eat at everything in my life. I know I deserve better, my family deserves better, and I work so hard to provide, just to never get anywhere. I am thankful for every single person who takes up moments of their life to interact with my passions; I just wish I could contribute more, because those passions are what make me feel like me. I am also thankful for what I have been able to achieve with life so far but, I just need to find myself soon because I feel like I am drowning.

Every day for me is a struggle, I struggle to get out of bed, and make it through the day, because I am mentally exhausted. I am under too much stress and anxiety to be able to live like an actual human being. I am so emotionally scarred, and confused that I have become a shell of a person, I hide behind my anxieties, and I rarely move out of my comfort zone. My weaknesses have taken over my whole life, and when I really think about it, I have lived in my comfort zone my whole life, I have let my anxiety control me, and I have never let myself truly live.

I have always felt like the odd one out, the misunderstood, and I have tried so hard to be a person that people could like, a person that I could like, but I always feel like I am messing up. To be brutally honest, I have only one friend in life, and that is my wonderful boyfriend, Aaron. I have been struggling my whole life to be friends with people, but due to my circumstances at home, and my anxiety I haven’t been able to make a real friend in years. I have also worked so hard within my life to keep my family close, but as of now everyone has drifted, and I only have Aaron, and my kids left. I honestly cannot recall a time where I had a good friendship or family relationship (besides the kids and Aaron), where I could be myself, and trust them, so, I live inside of my bedroom, behind a camera, a computer, or I just exist in silence.

I don’t know what I want out of this, but I feel like a little bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders, like everyone now has the opportunity to understand who I am, and maybe this will help me move forward, as I want to become better. Just another little note and you can be on your merry way. My website shall become a home for me, not just a place to come to check out my photos, or skim through my creations; I plan for it to become a place where I don’t have to be afraid to show myself. A place that has a little bit of everything, I might share my emotions, and my struggles, I will share my creations, and here and there I might show you something completely out of the ordinary, because I have so many passions, and so much personality that I cannot be confined to one description.

Love, the real me…
Brianna